Nurul Atikah bte Sari | atie is prefered. (aa-tee) | finally NINETEEN |

4teen DECEMBER 9teen9ty | grps; wsss; RP-Pharmaceutical Sci

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haizz..
my eyes can pop OUT through my glasses i tell you~
so tired looking at the laptop screen..
on the other hand..
lappy has been good~
very good.. =)

i love you lappy. =)
haven't been hanging the whole day..
and not as noisy as the other WORST days.. =))

but seriously..
i only absorbed very little things
which i doubt would have any effect on the test tomorrow~
tsk~
not liking it..

and right now i am stuck to AI's problem 12..
on the m/z value calculation..
haizz..

see..
"good" student..
always cabot class right?
uh padan muker kau! heh~

Falah macam paham only~
"okay we study together uh.. i teach you.."
-__-"
end up..
somethings he also dunoe..
and now he is with his kedai kopi gang~
pantatz~

ouh..
look at what i had for my break..


yummy chicken something and hot choc..
=))
which i didn't finish in the end.
heh.. standard la kan atie~
but is packed in my bag~ =))

and look at my speckie..

senget-ed already..
=\

and ouh ouuuh~!
haha..
before heading to the library
went for a smoke
then..
i burnt my hair instead of lighting the stick!
aha..

funny sia..
now part of my fringe is super dry and curly on the end..
haha..
but of cus it's not obvious la~

okay..
gta get back to studying~

and meeting chip later.
that deng nak aje makanan aku yang tak abes..
mongster!!! hahahaha.. mong mong monggggg-ster!

you're always like this
ALWAYS~!

and then suddenly you go offline~
why eh?
irritz u noe??

and yes i can feel it.
truth is NOT being told.
fine.

you can know things but i can't?
fine..

you're just not the same person i once knew..
or maybe that wasn't even you at all..
maybe it was all just cover ups
lies after lies..
idk..
and i never will know..

cus i don't know when i will ever learnt to trust.

it's just so difficult to trust with all the different things going on at the same time right?
all the different information and stuff..
well..
beats me.


hurt me please..
just hurt me
make me hate you my whole life.
go on and hurt me like you'll never hurt another soul..
just go on and hurt me..
so that i'll hate and keep hating you
and will never bother you ever again.


what is trust?
to trust?
trusting?

what is believe?
believe in who?? what??

when will it end?
am i running with you?
or after you?
or am i running alone?

one-sided?
but hope.. there was a glimps of hope..

and in times like this
i just wana cut that string
pass it all back to you
and hit the stop button

and if i could
i'd erase all those times with you
if i could
i'd throw all the feelings far away
i'd burn them all into ashes and let them fly freely
if i could
i don't want to be this gurl who types all her feelings out
hoping to be heard
and hoping for something to change
but nothing works..
if i could
i don't wana fall for you

cus now
i'm not only tired
im exhausted
and i've lost all hopes..

if i really could.. i surely would

Seriously..
I really don't understand like totally..
Tsk.. I hate this so much.

End the game please..?

i am dead serious
not at this time when i really have to concentrate
fuck all the shits!

damn it
from the
"just forget him la beb"
to the
"you should have taken the lamb before the lamb ran away"
to the
"you are better of w/o him. he won't be better off w/o you beb"

and then an unknown tagger??

ekh, please la
tell me kay people
WHATHEFUCK IS GOING ON?

stop kipping things from me.

uh ye la kan
suke kan buat keje bodoh cam ni pat orang kan
kepale hotak korang la

tak suke cakap uh terang2 tak suke
pe hal sak bobual cover2 ni sumer
ko pikir ape?
fun fair per siak; bodoh2 kan anak orang

sial betol la

but seriously la
if you ever fuckingly plan to disturb my life
do it after my last fucking paper.
this just suck

to hell with you idiots!

the MUST karaoke song back then for one and only me!
haha..

finding more of those songs I always sing without fail when karaoke-ing at home..
but the VCDs are like gone or something..

NAS!
lau gi melalak kau tekan ni lagu untok aku la yer~
haha..

okay..
i really have to start on my revision..
CALCULATOR FOR TEST TOMORROW~!!
gosh.. check2 tak de battry eh..

yes.
i am just tired.
of everything..

of trying to be the good girl
of trying to be the best
of trying to understand things
of trying to be everything every-different-one wants me to be

everyone expects everything from me.

atie this atie that
kak ti this kak ti that
nurul this nurul that

i am just tired
i am just so tired

why?
why can't everyone just stop telling me to not be me?
why??

you must wake up first
you must go to school
you must score and go to uni
because your sister repeated one semester and didn't go to uni. FUCK!
you must stop working
you must not go out with him, her, them, that girl, that boy, that group of people
you must stop your adfditional activities
you have to reflect
you must not be jealous of him, her, them, that gurl, that boy, that gruop of people
you can only do dance. not dk not drama
you must wash the fan.. blablabla
you must iron your clothes
you must clean your room
you must clear the bin
you must eat the food
you must this you must that

I AM TIRED
I AM JUST FUCKING TIRED
OF EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING

what if i cn't do it?
what if i just cannot manage to achieve everything that everyone ask from me?
doesn't anyone think of it?
what if i break down?
what if fail?

how far more do everyone have to push me now??
i am tired..
can someone just ONE person see it..?
PLEASE..
i am just so tired

must i faint and fall ill then everyone would start to panic..?

everything is just beyond my means..
yet i stretch to try to grab it
for the ones i care so much for..

but if i mean nothing to these poeple..
because they only think of themselves when they tell me to do things..
then i might as well stop..

i am tired.
i really am tired.

after the 12th
i just wana be a poor kid
resting at home
doing her own stuffs..

i am just tired of trying and keep failing..

and sometimes i just wonder..
how am i suppose to get things done to whatever they want me to..
when none of them came to guide me thru..

sometimes i feel dissapointed
with myself cus i just can't do it.

but other times..
i'm just sadden by the fact that these people i care for don't see how much i struggle just to reach out for what they want me to get.. for themselves..

tired.
i really am..

haha~
went to the old blog page..
and i realise i still have NOT gotten my food cravingsss~!
haha

this was the "list"

"from Mac's breakfast..
to KFC's original chicken~
to LJS' chicken dipped in cheese
to BK's fries and drumlets
to SR's lamb stew"

so let's see..
#1 NOPE
#2 done-ded. with Nyah~ haha
#3 nope.. but dun tink im 'craving' fr it this month~ or last..
#4 hmm.. got the fries just now. i think it taste weird.
OUUUUH DRUMLETS~!!! I WANT! haha. *shouts to herself; GEMOK!*
#5 err.. tak pe la ni..

haha..
but stil..
I WANT MY MAC'S BREAKFASSSSSSTTTTTT~!!
*hints: weekends hours are exted till 12noon~*

and talking about drumlets..
i had the cafe's drumlets like.. SIX pieces today!
OMG~!! sodap giler DOH!

when i was at my 5th piece..
i was like..
"heaven or waaaaaaaaat~"

then i was like thinking..
if i get to eat the drumlets and wings at pizza hut PON AWESOME SAAAAAK~!!!!!
*drools*

gosh!
fat-ness~ hahahaha

okay that's it about food..

the blue-black bruise on my left arm which Nyah spot yesterday night turned red and very very itchy~
and my neck is getting itchier by the minute.
and so are both of my arms!

mandi and tido time.
LAB!
must NOT be late!
again -_-"

seriously.
everything was my fault.
i was just so dumb.
=\

things won't happen if i had just sent you home
and not make you talk..

why was i just so stupid??

i'm just a worthless piece of shit
whose brain is blank
who can never think things properly

and what took me so long to realise that you weren't yourself??
why didn't i see it?
why was i just so dumb and stupid to not move off in the first place..???

i troubled so many people in just a short one hour plus..
im just so terribly dumb. =\

you always hug me back when i hug you
you always take the tissue from my hand to wipe your tears,
not waiting for me to wipe them for you
you always smoke with your left hand
you never stare at me
you never say nothing when i call your name..
it will at least be "ape?" or something else..
or look at me instead of staring..

why was i just so stupid??

all i could do was cry and cry buckets
you didn't move a single bit
you kept staring at me as if you were angry that i was forcing you to leave the place
when i called apiz, u just smiled and laughed small laughter..
as if you were thinking; "padan muke korang. skg baru tau. amek kau obat~!"

seriously..
when you started staring and smiling more like a mad person..
only then did i realise..

i was so afraid..
very afraid..

when i reached home..
i realise that it happened after you passed your phone to me..

why was i so dumb??

i couldn't sleep well last night..
your stares scared me so much i kept seeing them when i close my eyes.
i was just so afraid to sleep..

i really hope it won't happen again..
i was just too dumb and stupid
so worthless
so empty
i know nothing..

i'm very sorry beb.

it's traumatizing me right now..
making me feel so guilty
everything..

i love you beb.
i won't let such things happen agn bcs of me.
im sorry. =\

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Namun hati takkan tuk berubah
Selamanya

Kau yg menjadikan cinta
Slalu menjadi rindu
Seperti waktu itu
Yang mengharung hidupku,hidupku

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Slalu jadi mimpiku
Menjadi pemilikmu
Biar tak pernah tahu
Kasihku




FIND ME THIS SONG~!!
and i'll love you my whole life!
haha~